At the end of my freshman year of college, as I was preparing to leave for my full-time mission, I felt overwhelmed. I was scared and concerned that I did not have the gospel knowledge, the skills, or the confidence to be a missionary.
In my mind, missionaries were powerful and spiritual giants. They are, but usually only after trials and experience. I didn’t think that’s who I was. I worried that I would not be able to do it, that the task was too big for an insecure and unconfident version of me.
While trying to do homework in the library, I kept thinking about these concerns and decided to turn to the scriptures. I did not have my own with me, so I went to the shelves in the library where scriptures were available, one benefit of attending a Church school.
I picked up a triple combination, opened it randomly, and read Doctrine and Covenants 6:
2 Behold, I am God; give heed unto my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword, to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore give heed unto my words.
3 Behold, the field is white already to harvest; therefore, whoso desireth to reap, let him thrust in his sickle with his might, and reap while the day lasts, that he may treasure up for his soul everlasting salvation in the kingdom of God.
4 Yea, whosoever will thrust in his sickle and reap, the same is called of God.
5 Therefore, if you will ask of me you shall receive; if you will knock it shall be opened unto you.
6 Now, as you have asked, behold, I say unto you, keep my commandments, and seek to bring forth and establish the cause of Zion;
7 Seek not for riches but for wisdom, and behold, the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto you, and then shall you be made rich. Behold, he that hath eternal life is rich.
8 Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.
9 Say nothing but repentance unto this generation; keep my commandments, and assist to bring forth my work, according to my commandments, and you shall be blessed.
It felt personal, as if God was speaking directly to me. He knew my concerns. He knew I was about to serve a mission. I felt assured that because I had the desire, I would be able to do the work. I kept reading.
14 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.
15 Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;
16 Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.
It was there, in that same school library, that I received a witness of the Book of Mormon. My prayer was answered, and it felt like the Lord was again acknowledging a place where I had received a strong spiritual witness.
I went on to serve my mission. Even though I felt immature and inexperienced, I had success quickly. In the MTC I was called as a district leader. I was the fifth new missionary my trainer had, and he told me I was the most prepared and ready of any he had trained. At three months I was made a senior companion, at five months a trainer, at eight months a district leader, and later a zone leader.
The Lord had prepared me to serve. I desired to do the work. I loved it. I valued feeling the Spirit, testifying of truth, and developing a firm testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The mission was difficult at times, but learning to rely on God and focusing on helping others brought a peace that is hard to describe.
When I returned home, I felt ready and excited. But after the first few days, I also felt empty. I felt as though I had lost my sense of purpose and struggled with shifting my focus back to myself after so long serving others.